Aries: You may be the coolest kid on the block, but that will change when you finally get your furnace fixed. Just in time, too; you’ve been shivering so fast, your friends think you’re out of focus.
Taurus: When one door closes, another one opens. Quick, stick your hand out and catch it, so you can sneak out of the house without the kids.
Gemini: An unusual situation leaves you speechless. Remember, use your words. When that fails, whip out that giant American Gladiator Q-Tip you keep in your locker for emergencies.
Cancer: Feel free to put on a happy face this week, just make sure you take your own glum, depressed face off first. Otherwise the noses will smush together and you’ll sound like a goose with a cold.
Leo: The sky’s the limit, but when have you ever stopped at someone else’s rules? Pack an extra pair of socks in your jetpack, because space can get a bit nippy. Also, watch for satellites.
Virgo: Truth travels with strange company, and there’s no one stranger than your in-laws after a few rounds of Bloody Marys. Either mix their drinks weak, or excuse yourself from the room when they start reminiscing about their wild swinging days in the 70s. You can’t scrub those images out of your head with a steel brush.
Libra: That great idea you have is a misdemeanor in seven states unless you get a signed waiver from a raccoon and three turtles. Stock up on strawberries, batteries and your neighbor’s garbage once the paperwork is done.
Scorpio: A great journey begins with just one step, and you’ve tied your own shoes together. Get the knots in your life worked out, unless you want to bunny hop all the way to enlightenment.
Sagittarius: Your boss has an uneasy question for you, but that’s OK. You have an unsettling answer. Remember to wipe down the copier after you photocopy your butt and wallpaper his office in hiney portraits.
Capricorn: You’re only in trouble if they catch you, so soup up that Segway and flee before your roommates discover you’ve erased their Netflix passwords off every TV and computer in the house. With luck, they’re too weak from binging ‘Stranger Things’ to chase you to the Upside Down.
Aquarius: There’s a gleam in your eye and a spring in your step as you stumble up the stairs this week. Quit rinsing your contacts in the dishwasher, unless you love people signing your casts.
Pisces: Sometimes you need to realize a fight is useless, so quit trying to make that angry ferret into an emotional support animal. Also, get more bandages and Bactine.