Wisecrack Zodiak

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Aries: You think you've hit a bright spot, but it's just some kid with a magnifying glass and too much time on his hands. Grab some shade under a leaf before you lose a limb to that laser beam.

Taurus: You're feeling wild this week; there's chocolate for dinner, you've turned off the TV before Law and Order, and you're wearing your sexiest Tweety nightshirt. The night was made for redneck love.

Gemini: Quit swinging from one extreme to another; find a happy medium, and ask her how she does it. She probably has her crystal ball set to stream Internet radio; it's only rock and roll, but you'll like it. Being centered is all about good tunes, baby.

Cancer: Wanting to spice things up for your sweetie is great, but if you wear a thong to bed, you could wake up with a split personality. Save the dangerous outfits for waking hours, when you can call the Fire Dept. for rescue; they need a good laugh.

Leo: Tired of crashing on the rocks? Take control of your ship, haul anchor and sail away to calmer seas. Besides, everyone should be able to hold their own dinghy.

Virgo: You have so many bright ideas this week, your family is thinking about wiring you up and setting you outside as a bug zapper. Hide your light under a bushel before they get the car battery; not everyone can handle your brilliance.

Libra: You want to know the hand you're being dealt, but don't peek at the universe's cards or you'll get it up the ante. Fold if you need to, while you've still got some chips.

Scorpio: Warm up your silly walk, because you're about to make someone's day absurd. It's true, no one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition, even though it's been out on DVD for years.

Sagittarius: Someone's accusing you of wearing rose-colored glasses; at least you're driving with your eyes open. People who speed in glass houses should at least see the pedestrians coming. Ouch.

Capricorn: Don't worry, you can't win them all. Heck, you can't even win most of them. But you can be the terrier biting the leg of the karmic postman. Sure, you can't kill the messenger, but you can slobber on him a bit.

Aquarius: Sure, you're all about peace, love and understanding until someone takes the last cupcake off the plate. Someone steals your yummy devil's food treat with sprinkles, and you dig up words truckers can't even write on men's room walls.

Pisces: You've been working in the dark, waiting for a better day. Hang in there, you won't need that Flintstones nightlight for long; there will be days so light and sweet, you'll need to brush afterwards.