Wisecrack Zodiac, July 12 edition
Aries: It's fine to find your passion, as long as your passion isn't in your neighbor's hammock, with the hot neighbor still in it. There are better ways to spend a summer day than watching your sweetie torch your possessions.
Taurus: A good deed earns you a rich reward on Wednesday. Remember, don't spend all of that shiny quarter in one place, and you can't tuck change into a G-string.
Gemini: The key to love isn't about whispering sweet nothings to your lover; it's knowing when to keep your mouth shut. Show a little love this week when you see something unexpected in the garage, like a car without a fender.
Cancer: Your intelligence usually lights up any conversation, but these days you couldn't even outglow a lightning bug. Quit spending so much time with Gordon Ramsay and the TV, and crack open a book now and then.
Leo: If one door closes, why settle for just one opening? Throw open all those doors so the sweet breeze of inspiration can waft through. Don't panic if opportunity forgets knocking and just flops on the couch.
Virgo: Your best days may be behind you, but you have a lot of steamy nights ahead. Dress in something that's easy to rip off with your teeth while balancing on the refrigerator.
Libra: You are so hip, you're into music that hasn't even been played yet. Tell others to get into the cosmic groove while you toot your own horn.
Scorpio: Forget what your friends say; you are a vision of loveliness today, especially if the other person just had eye surgery. Carry some treats for the seeing eye dog, and you'll have a new fan.
Sagittarius: Being kind to everyone helps you sleep at night, but it doesn't get your stereo back. Tell your ex that you want your tunes or you spill everything about spring break on Facebook.
Capricorn: Why settle for second-best? You can easily collect third, fourth and fifth-best, too. That way, you'll have the whole set. Even the first-place guy doesn't have that.
Aquarius: Tuesday will be your lucky day: your hair will look good, your pants fit right, and no one mocks you at the buffet when you go back for thirds. You have it going on!
Pisces: Ideas are like wildflowers, so feel free to roll in them until you find where the raccoon pooped. Dreams require love, stardust and a heaping helping of fertilizer.