Taurus: Friends don't let friends wear those pants. Either you need new buddies, or you all should be checked for color blindness. Guess those bedpan margaritas finally bleached your brains.
Gemini: You have a rare opportunity at work, but will anyone believe the FedEx accidentally delivered that much duct tape and bubble wrap? Linger over the extra long lunch until the boss pops his way out of the conference room.
Cancer: You're five pounds of love in a two-pound bag, so tell the lucky one who gets you to stand back, you really don't know what will pop out. Could be a night of snuggling or a week of hot monkey action.
Leo: Lately you've been so deep, you need subtitles. Don't worry about people understanding you; while mainstream success eludes you, you'll be a hipster hero.
Virgo: Aw, look at that! You have a goal. It's a cute little goal, too. You should love it and hug it and call it George. Don't let any of your family see it, or it will be over-fertilized.
Libra: Beauty may walk in quiet grace, but ugly roars through having a good time with peppermint schnapps and bad jokes. Give your perfection the night off and boogie on down with some truly happy people. Just don't take any pictures.
Scorpio: Expect a financial windfall on Tuesday. You may not get it, but you can still expect it. Maybe all that positive energy will manifest itself in a free cup of coffee or a cheap burger.
Sagittarius: You're like the dog who waits patiently to be let out, even though the screen is long gone from the door. Quit waiting for permission to live your life and go roll in something fun.
Capricorn: There's nothing more beautiful than a child's smile, unless it's plastered on a kid who hid your phone and won't tell you where it is. Forget threats of military school, just tell them stories about your own childhood until they cave in tears of boredom.
Aquarius: You're feeling like a castoff copy of "50 Shades of Grey:" all tied up and nowhere to go. Loosen those mental knots and relax. If you really wanted to be tortured, you could just look at your bank balance.
Pisces: The universe is listening on Wednesday, so quit whining about your issues and go for the gusto: fresh vinyl seat covers for the car. Or a new car. Filled with cash. And prizes. You never know when the universe is in a winning game show mood.