TAURUS: You have the attention span of a concussed Kardashian and the work ethic of a serial killer. Sounds like you're about ready to launch a career in politics. Say all your crazy stuff up front so we know who you are.
GEMINI: Music may be the food of life, but revenge makes a delightful dessert. Serve it iced with chocolate, caramel and a straw; someone's getting a Thwappucino.
CANCER: True beauty doesn't exist in airbrushed model photos. It lives in a sunset, a child's smile when you turn on the Disney Channel and being able to pee in peace with the door closed. Enjoy your moment of beauty.
LEO: The only time it's not good to have all the lights on you is during a manhunt. Otherwise, ham it up, enjoy the spotlight and watch for helicopters.
VIRGO: You have all the right moves, and someone else has the perfect beat. You may not make beautiful music together, but at least you'll burn a few calories and hours. Your attitude will thank you in the morning.
LIBRA: Even the quiet moments in life have something to teach us. Namely, don't fall asleep after you've bought the kids the mega-variety pack of markers. You look like a member of KISS after a three-day bender.
SCORPIO: Life isn't for the timid. You have to grab it, goose it and shake it up a bit to make it dazzling. Fortunately, life rarely fills out a restraining order. It's kinky like that.
SAGITTARIUS: Confucius said it doesn't matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop. Sounds like he battled a few Black Friday crowds, too. Be careful if you plan to use some kung fu moves to land that cheap TV, because security cams catch everything these days.
CAPRICORN: If you play to win you get a trophy; play to lose, a payoff. But if you play to confuse, then you experience to joy of watching everyone's befuddlement. Have a hearty laugh at their expense, and be prepared when they kick you off the team.
AQUARIUS: Forget chocolates: life is more like a basket of lollipops. Some will suck and others will end up stuck in your hair. Every now and then, you'll find one that tastes just right.
PISCES: Others view you as hapless Charlie Brown, but in reality, you're the kite in the tree. You may not be flying right now, but you can see your house from up there. Get ready for a gust to take you even higher.