Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Aries: Your rant may be a drop in the ocean, but itís the drop that sinks the Titanic. Rein in your anger, before someone freezes you out on an iceberg.

Taurus: Donít do the thing on Friday. Just donít. Youíre already getting on Karmaís nerves, thereís no need to make her turn this life around and slap you.

Gemini: The only way youíll appreciate when life is good is to experience lifeís suckage occasionally. Keep paddling, and keep that stiff upper lip, it makes an excellent floatation device.

Cancer: Too many cooks spoil the meal, but it doesnít matter if you have burritos in the freezer. Feel free to microwave your dinner, just donít stand in front of it and recite your Snapchat password while itís cooking.

Leo: Bright skies are coming, and you donít know what to do with yourself. When good fortune arrives, should you invite it in? Make it a drink? Rub its feet? Relax and just take it as it comes.

Virgo: Itís fine to be true to yourself, but donít keep people guessing for too long or theyíll turn you upside down and shake you like a Magic 8-Ball for some answers.

Libra: You donít know all the answers, which is good, because you would blab them out at inconvenient moments. Thereís a difference between being a wise guru and getting kicked out of weddings for spilling the bridal secrets.

Scorpio: An idea comes to you at 2 a.m. Sunday. Write it down, because it will save your bacon during the staff meeting on Wednesday. Keep a pen handy, because no one wants to lose bacon.

Sagittarius: You will meet a man. He will do strange things to your body and mind, and then make you leave. Donít get his number, just be glad you got through the TSA and onto your flight in time.

Capricorn: Take a breath. And another. There! See, this living thing isnít so hard. Now, step away from the jumper cables and strawberry jam, and promise the universe youíll quit the kinky stuff in the bedroom, at least until you hook up with an EMT.

Aquarius: Life isnít a giant leap forward into goodness, but this week you do toddle a few baby steps away from being broke, sad and slightly crazed. Keep going, because a few face plants will be worth it.

Pisces: You think youíre reaching for the stars, but youíre not even halfway up the tree yet. Shake the oak bark out of your pants leg and keep climbing. Youíll soon have a clear view.