Wisecrack Zodiac

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Aries: In the back of your mind is a little voice telling you what you canít accomplish. Time to give that negative Nellie an atomic wedgie, and blast her out of your psyche.

Taurus: You donít want to go on because things are tough. But, honestly, when have things ever been easy with you? The universe will help when you quit being a diva.

Gemini: Wearing your heart on your sleeve doesnít accomplish much, but touting your gallbladder on your pants leg means you get a whole bench to yourself on the subway.

Cancer: Your immediate reactions are fine, itís when you stop and think that causes trouble. Clear away the smoke coming out of your ears; itís time to change the oil in your brain.

Leo: Oh sure, itís all fun and games until someone loses the bag of snakes in the break room. After that, itís screaming and mayhem and someone setting the coffeemaker on fire. So, you know, a typical Thursday.

Virgo: Laugh like you havenít a care in the world, love like you donít have a clue. Youíll end up with a sore throat and herpes, but youíll have some great stories to share at the clinic.

Libra: Monday is a game-changer for you, because youíll go from Minecraft to the Game of Thrones edition of Monopoly. Only pass GO if youíre dragon-proof and bring a fresh pair of shorts.

Scorpio: A pretty girl is like a melody; you get one refrain stuck in your head for days and youíre ready to put your face in a blender. Next time, skip the looks and go for someone with personality and a closet stocked with batteries. Theyíll know how to change your tune.

Sagittarius: Itís not easy being green. Get up to speed in your new profession, because no oneís kissing frogs to promote them to royalty anymore. Princesses donít have time for that.

Capricorn: You can explain all you want, but thereís still a huge scorch mark on the couch and a rip through space and time in the carpet. Your sweetie is going to be pissed. Buy some flowers and call Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Aquarius: The secret to a good attitude? Buy them in bulk. Why wear one out when they come in 12-packs and you can sport a fresh one every day? Itís even better if you get a Groupon.

Pisces: No one knows your full potential unless you show it to them. Just make sure itís fully dressed first, so you wonít have an uncomfortable conversation in the HR office.