Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Aries: Be careful thinking youíre a big fish in a small pond; you might actually be a brine shrimp that some cosmic kid bought through the mail. Enjoy your Mason jar and make sure youíre wearing arm floaties when he shakes you up.

Taurus: Staying positive isnít that hard. All it takes is the right end of the battery. Get out of the house and recharge, because right now no one would get a tingle if they licked you.

Gemini: Go on an internal road trip to find your bliss this weekend. It might involve copious amounts of margaritas, Netflix, and a karaoke microphone so you can sing with ďMamma MiaĒ at the top of your lungs.

Cancer: Youíre not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but youíre the one everybody chooses to eat peanut butter off of while theyíre standing in the kitchen at 2 a.m. So you have that going for you.

Leo: Normally you march to the beat of your own drummer, but lately heís been getting into the emo metal polka scene. Find a tuba player instead; they know all the good riffs.

Virgo: An opportunity lands on your lap this week. Act on it quickly and be professional; itís there to work, not twerk, and it doesnít care about the damp dollar bill in your hand.

Libra: Forget the golden goose. What you really want is the duck with the winning lottery numbers. Hang around ponds and listen closely to any unusual quacking, but beware if they hop on your hood and demand a trip to Vegas.

Scorpio: Some bodies may be wonderlands, but yours is a forgotten city park in desperate need of renovation. Start a new exercise regimen, right after you kick all the raccoons out and find your shoes.

Sagittarius: You donít have to explain yourself, although a laminated guide translating your moods and impromptu hand gestures would be welcome. Donít tell anyone what the interpretive dance routines mean, though. Sometimes itís good to have a little mystery.

Capricorn: You know the drill, but youíre unfamiliar with the hammer and you havenít yet met the acquaintance of the stepladder. Take comfort in that on the days when you feel surrounded by complete tools.

Aquarius: Nothing is forever, except for the expanse of space and the flow of emails from sketchy foreign princes wanting to increase your assets. Click and drag your bad situation to the spam folder, and the Universe will delete it for you.

Pisces: All great journeys start with a single step, but youíre way beyond that, limping on some forgotten path and wishing you brought orthopedic socks. Keep your ears open, because a solar-powered scooter may give you a lift on Thursday.