Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Aries: If youíre looking for your common sense, itís shriveled up and under the couch with some lint-covered M&Ms and a really old banana. Dig it out, rinse it off and nurse it back to health. Youíll need it soon.

Taurus: Youíre not bulletproof, your enemies just have bad aim. Bake them some cookies and make amends. Youíll have time to steal their paintball guns while theyíre trying to digest your dismal cooking.

Gemini: The sun shines on you alone this Thursday, so pop out that inflatable greenhouse and make the most of it. If youíre pressed for time, just wear a potted plant on your head.

Cancer: Before you declare your new groove to be permanent, check the foundation for fire ants and paisley mold. Otherwise, your groove could bite you on the butt and constantly sing 60s folk songs when your back is turned.

Leo: Whether you realize it or not, youíre at the top of your game. Balance everything just right, and you wonít even crumple the Monopoly box youíre standing on.

Virgo: No one asked for your opinion, so itís time to distribute it the old-school way; slip it under peopleís windshield wipers like off-brand pizza coupons. Donít worry about it flying away when they drive off. Your words have weight.

Libra: Thereís always a better day on the horizon but why wait around to be happy? Do it now instead of waiting for the universe to rescue you like some wannabe princess in a cardboard castle.

Scorpio: Some days are meant to be savored, others are gulped down like the quick-stop burritos they are. If youíre not sure what kind of day youíre having, donít worry, it will all come out on the end, accompanied by screaming.

Sagittarius: Keep your eyes on the prize, and youíll have no idea what kind of cereal youíre eating for breakfast. Itís good to have goals, but occasionally look down to see where you are, too.

Capricorn: Everyone has a secret, and only you can charm it out of them. When the wheedling becomes too difficult, just offer them donuts or cash. They donít need to know about your ďIncredible Secrets Revealed!Ē podcast.

Aquarius: If things seem dark in your world, check to make sure youíre not still wearing eclipse glasses from last month. Sometimes the world needs a filter, but not right now.

Pisces: Youíre dizzy from all the choices the world serves up this week. Instead of hiding under your bed, pick the one that pops into your head at 3 p.m. this Friday. Itís a winner. Or not. At least youíll make a freaking decision about it, though.