Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Aries: Just because an old situation is water under the bridge doesnít mean you should grab an inner tube and go for a swim. Leave it alone and find a new puddle to play in.

Taurus: Something good is just around the corner, but youíll need to cross the street, tip a busker and invent a secret handshake before you get there. Wear a fedora and trenchcoat for extra style points.

Gemini: Youíve been banged up, so the Universe is taking extra care with you this week. Donít fight it; the bubble wrap is warm and cozy after a while, and it gives you something to pop.

Cancer: Thereís a hot new honey coming into your life, so make sure you throw away all the undies with the holes in them. If you forget, say itís the latest trend in sexy granny panty-lingerie and open an extra bottle of wine.

Leo: The universe is lined up right where you want it, so take that pool cue and go for the trick shot. Youíll win like you always do: with a wink and a kiss thrown to the crowd.

Virgo: On Thursday, remember this: skinny jeans and Mexican food donít mix. Wear something loose so you arenít caught in a Chinese finger trap of denim. If youíre going to Chipotle, just wrap a comforter around you like a toga.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion on Monday. If you miss your boss with the dart gun, you still have a money-making opportunity. Charge each person 10 bucks for a quick prick with the tranquilizer darts, and everyone will have the best staff meeting nap ever.

Scorpio: Sometimes setting a goal is like setting a table: There are too many forks and you forgot which spoon youíre supposed to use for the kale Jell-O. Start small with a KFC spork, and work your way up to the big stuff.

Sagittarius: When you shake the Magic 8-Ball, the response is ďPut me down!Ē Quit poking at Karma with sharp sticks, or youíll wake up with a nasty hangover, five angry penguins and a Cheez Doodle ring around the bathtub.

Capricorn: If you love something, set it free. It will be easier to track with that GoPro camera around its neck and the microchip in its butt. Plus, you can sell ads on your new livestreaming YouTube channel.

Aquarius: Strike while the iron is hot, and youíll never curl your hair while bowling again. Give up multitasking until the burns heal.

Pisces: Step away from stress and spend some time in your happy place. You donít have to stay long, but you should change out the chocolate fountain and vacuum up the candy sprinkles. Thatís how you get ants.