Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

ARIES: Itís time for a good, long

look into your soul. Bring a flashlight

and some snacks, because this

could take a while. Remember to

pick up all your litter afterward,

otherwise an empty chip bag could

cause an existential crisis.

TAURUS: You discover the secret

of life, the universe, and everything,

but youíre sworn to secrecy.

Itís just as well, people would

doubt your sanity if you mentioned

the tiny mice in lab coats.

GEMINI: Sometimes the universe

has a good day at work, so

you get a special prize box filled

with awesome goodies. Write a

thank-you note on Wednesday, and

slip it into the universeís lunch tote.

CANCER: Go ahead, be all you

can be, but realize there are some

things you canít be. Like a goldfish,

a rhombus, or sympathetic toward

the Kardashians.

LEO: You have a mighty roar,

but you also have a rather cute

meow. Quit straining those vocal

cords, and use your kitten charms

to get what you want on Friday.

There will be catnip.

VIRGO: The best things in life

are free, but you still need to pay

up if you want that 100-inch screen

TV. Grab your elbow pads and

helmet, because Black Friday is

around the corner.

LIBRA: Step carefully; your

sweetie is dropping hints, and

youíre likely to trip over a pile of

them in the hallway. Get a box and

collect them all like Pokemon, so

youíll finally have a clue.

SCORPIO: Hiding your feelings

is like sticking a melon baller down

your pants. Itís cold and awkward,

but after a while you get used to

it. Pull out those emotions and run

them through the dishwasher before

you share.

SAGITTARIUS: The universe

may not cough up money on your

shoes, but it does sneeze a couple

of opportunities on you this week.

Brush up your resumeí and get a flu

shot.

CAPRICORN: If you have to

kiss frogs to find a prince, imagine

what youíll need to do for

someone really powerful, like

a sorcerer or the tech nerd

who can fix your computer.

Stock up on Red Bull,

sushi and massage oil.

AQUARIUS: You

have something stuck in

your craw, but thatís OK.

Itís time to power wash those

old opinions out of there anyway.

Put on goggles and hand the hose

to your BFF. Hey, what could go

wrong?

PISCES: When you

asked the universe for a

sign, you didnít expect

it to smack you over

the head with one. Tell

Karma you get the message,

before it turns into

an old lady beating you with her purse.