Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

ARIES: Life is sweet lately and

youíre getting more kicks than

Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes.

Wear your best heels and

fluffiest mustache, because someone

in the audience can make you

a star.

TAURUS: You may be a hammer

in search of a nail, but unfortunately

the universe only has an opening

for a corkscrew. The only way you

can get that twisted is writing for

a Real Housewives reunion. Relax,

being that close to open wine bottles

will only help.

GEMINI: Januaryís resolutions

will only lead to Decemberís regrets.

Play it safe and set the bar

low. If youíre caught up on your

shows at the end of the year and

you still have a pulse, you won.

CANCER: Taking your decorations

down with a leaf blower may

save time, but it will make the carpets

crunchy for months. Put away

the Christmas cheer slowly and

youíll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.

LEO: You donít need money to

make your resolutions happen. All

you need is a SnapChat account, a

photographer, a box of tiny wigs

and a open-minded earthworm

rancher. Just let the magic happen.

VIRGO: Just because you have

an endless supply of love doesnít

mean you should be handing out

free samples to everyone. Keep the

list short, so you have fewer people

to notify in case of a recall.

LIBRA: Congratulations! You

have a goal. Itís a cute little goal,

too. You should love it and hug it

and call it George. Donít let any

of your family see it, or it will be

over-fertilized.

SCORPIO: Beauty may walk in

quiet grace, but ugly roars through

having a good time with peppermint

schnapps and bad jokes. Give

your perfection the night off and

boogie on down with some truly

happy people. Remember to take

everyoneís phones away first, so

thereís no photo evidence.

SAGITTARIUS: To everything

there is a season, but idiots

are ripe all year long. If

you pick one, two more

will grow in its place, so

just walk away from the

garden for a while.

CAPRICORN: Your

will to lose weight starts off

great until you walk into the back

bedroom where youíve hoarded

Nutella and Twinkies. If you ever

want to see that size 6 butt again,

empty that treat closet.

AQUARIUS: Today is a fresh

day in a bright, shiny new year.

Try to fake a better personality

for a while, just to

see what it feels like.

If it doesnít feel right,

grab your grouchy pants

and jump back in the can

with Oscar.

PISCES: Already given

up on your resolutions? Donít

consider yourself a failure, just realize

youíre really good at staying

the course. Those new gym clothes

are perfect for Netflix and pizza.