ARIES: Life is sweet lately and
youíre getting more kicks than
Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes.
Wear your best heels and
fluffiest mustache, because someone
in the audience can make you
TAURUS: You may be a hammer
in search of a nail, but unfortunately
the universe only has an opening
for a corkscrew. The only way you
can get that twisted is writing for
a Real Housewives reunion. Relax,
being that close to open wine bottles
will only help.
GEMINI: Januaryís resolutions
will only lead to Decemberís regrets.
Play it safe and set the bar
low. If youíre caught up on your
shows at the end of the year and
you still have a pulse, you won.
CANCER: Taking your decorations
down with a leaf blower may
save time, but it will make the carpets
crunchy for months. Put away
the Christmas cheer slowly and
youíll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.
LEO: You donít need money to
make your resolutions happen. All
you need is a SnapChat account, a
photographer, a box of tiny wigs
and a open-minded earthworm
rancher. Just let the magic happen.
VIRGO: Just because you have
an endless supply of love doesnít
mean you should be handing out
free samples to everyone. Keep the
list short, so you have fewer people
to notify in case of a recall.
LIBRA: Congratulations! You
have a goal. Itís a cute little goal,
too. You should love it and hug it
and call it George. Donít let any
of your family see it, or it will be
SCORPIO: Beauty may walk in
quiet grace, but ugly roars through
having a good time with peppermint
schnapps and bad jokes. Give
your perfection the night off and
boogie on down with some truly
happy people. Remember to take
everyoneís phones away first, so
thereís no photo evidence.
SAGITTARIUS: To everything
there is a season, but idiots
are ripe all year long. If
you pick one, two more
will grow in its place, so
just walk away from the
garden for a while.
will to lose weight starts off
great until you walk into the back
bedroom where youíve hoarded
Nutella and Twinkies. If you ever
want to see that size 6 butt again,
empty that treat closet.
AQUARIUS: Today is a fresh
day in a bright, shiny new year.
Try to fake a better personality
for a while, just to
see what it feels like.
If it doesnít feel right,
grab your grouchy pants
and jump back in the can
PISCES: Already given
up on your resolutions? Donít
consider yourself a failure, just realize
youíre really good at staying
the course. Those new gym clothes
are perfect for Netflix and pizza.